today is my birthday.
1. i don’t even remember inviting people to come into our house for a party. party harts are invisible for me. they’re nonsense. happy birthday, take this party hat onto your head and be welcomed. it was always just me, my parents and me, on our circular table with a chocolate cake, there was one time when it wasn’t chocolate and it made me sad that i didn’t even take a slice. why alter it? i am not profound of change. that’s why there’s no candles atop our cake. no birthday message. just plain, with its icing, that varies with color of carnation or lemon. sometimes my mum would put flowers, or small decorative like edible crayons and sugar pencils. but it is always chocolate ever since, always plain, always boring. but i am alright with this.
2. when someone greeted me today, i felt that i was remembered. that maybe, i somehow touched someone’s life. that maybe, i am in someone’s mind. that maybe, someone is waiting for this day to come. i am not waiting for this day to come, but i have expectations, i have what-to-do list in my head, inside me there is a series of prolonged conversations of my past and future. and another one greeted me. i felt contentment. i felt happy. maybe this is the reason why they say, happy birthday, because there is something in there that makes you happy, there is something in there that makes you smile and think of butterflies and chocolate cake and spaghetti and crimson lake and ice cream and love.
3. i am slowly becoming someone i don’t want to become. but then, it’s in you. it’s your choice. it’s whether you face it or avoid it. it’s whether you become it or become someone else and repeat the same process of giving a life to a new character. and my birthday reminded me that i changed to someone.
4. i might add, that all in all, less than 10 people greeted me today. excluding my mum and her kiss on my cheek. i was hoping, less would desire to remember me and my birthday next year.
it was a no. it wasn’t him who said no, but it was just like his no. at least for me i expected that i was meant to received a no. a sign of disapproval. a lack of interest. a negative perception.
but i waited for that no. i counted days. i refused to visit the bright side. acknowledge opinions that truth hurts. i waited for it so for so long that it became a yes. that i ended up hoping for something i was not supposed to hope. i began to dream of it. even prayed for it. thought of it. it was pivoting inside my mind. yes. yes. yes.
and it came.
it came knocking. it came with proofs.
i closed my eyes. i was afraid to listen.
across the crocodile lake we searched for what was missing. bounced atop one jaw to reach another. a mouse trap. a trap. hidden against lily pads were more monstrous beasts. concealed below the algae were true answers. what was missing?
were you avoiding me or ignoring me? you know your one step is equivalent to two of mine. you don’t walk that fast. you’re actually keeping a good pace, a pattern of left and right, of your feet striding in uniform. a march to the future. it was different earlier, often i would ask you to slow down, and you would look back at me pausing for a while and delaying the flow of time. i didn’t yell for you to stop, i thought i might but i was blocked by a thought which came rushing into me. you were striding fast, i was breathing heavily, i kept my tempo, you didn’t look back, i wished you looked back, i was communicating you through telepathy, brain waves to brain waves, inklings to conscience, what is right to what should be done. you didn’t look back, i didn’t look back, my eyes stare at your back. a colossal wonder wall: hard and strong. i imagined your hips, your butt cheeks, your knees, your sole, all of them altogether joining the movement of your feet. you were moving forward, to where the sun sets. i joined you as your shadow, spying you, tailing you. you didn’t look back. did you even know i was there. what happened to those times when we are stomping to complete our trek side by side. words traded by words. i considered the weather, that it might be the reason why you’re in a hurry. about to rain, a sad sky about to burst into tears. i considered the growling of your stomach, your digestion longing for consumable. i considered everything. avoidance. ignorance. lack of knowledge. i considered being unseen, a cold breeze strolling along the street. i considered being inconsiderate. i thought about myself. left out. ignored. avoided. you didn’t look back.
it was a shame i didn’t tell you what i really feel
it wasn’t love, it was more than that. it was magic, beyond witch spells.
i thought you knew. i thought i was showing you the obvious. i thought you didn’t need words.
my silence was because of fright.
i was too afraid of failure that i didn’t even try.
and it was all because i thought you understood.
i am someone. just someone.
i have no name, but i am addressed.
i have no presence, but i am somewhere you never expect to find.
you might have seen me, but not entirely. forgotten.
a memory you trying to recall during sleepless night.
i am the thought that will never occur inside your head. i am the feeling you try to imagine. the void in your eyes. the dancing words trapped in the tip of your tongue. the false heart beat.
i am your neighbor who smiled at you when you feel annoyed.
the stray cat who stared at you wishing to be taken home, to be taken care of.
the penny in your pocket you wished you had thrown to the lake. the shooting star you missed to notice. the slowly melting ice cube. the frozen agitation living inside you.
i am someone you didn’t imagine to become.